4 month- Trusting in the Lord

Today my email from my mom was things my brother wrote in his journal when he was in 3rd grade. When he was in 3rd grade, I wasn't even born yet. It was cool to be able to read things he has written about the other siblings.  So yeah today is 4 months since my brother has passed away and I miss him a lot. In the last 10 months of my life I have experienced quite a bit of change. I don't really like change, especially drastic change. I struggle with change quite a bit, but I am slowly learning to except it as it comes. My first instinct is to fight it, exactly what I did when I first found out about my brother dying. I didn't want to admit it. Obviously I did admit it and I am dealing with it. I am learning that as I don't fight the change and I just trust in God things are a lot easier, not easy, but easier!                                   

Proverbs 3:5-6

5Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own  understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

I love this scripture and just at this moment I decided I am using this scripture as my motto for awhile. There are so many things I don't understand but I do know that God is aware and that he will guide me and help me through everything. I know that as I turn to Him and trust Him I will be able to get through anything. Right now I miss my brother so much but I am grateful for the rest of my family and how close this has brought us all together! I am grateful to know I will be able to see my brother again. Really I just have to stay strong, even though it hard. Jesus Christ knows exactly how I am feeling and he will comfort me if I turn to him. Its our choice to let Christ help us or not help us. I know for me I am stubborn and I always want to just deal with it myself and not ask for help, but when I don't ask for help things are a lot harder for me. So here goes to putting in a conscious effort into trusting in the LORD!!

Defining Moments

Well today is my birthday. I won't hear anything from my brother, but that's okay because I know he loves me and is closer than I realize!

When I first found out that my brother died, I really thought it was the end! I didn't feel like I could go on. I felt like I was riding a emotional roller coster.

As I did a lot of studying the scriptures and praying to my Heavenly Father I knew it wasn't the end. It was just a bend on the path to eternal life. The experiences I am going through from dealing with the lose of my brother has helped me in more ways than I ever thought it would.

His death was a defining moment in my life. After it happened, my faith, the things I grew up being taught, what I beleived about everything was tested. Being a missionary I teach people what I believe, but in this moment I had to know without a doubt the things I was teaching others were true. Did I actually believe in the plan of salvation? Eternal families? That there was a prophet on earth guided by Heavenly Father? Did Jesus Christ really suffer for all of our pains, afflictions, sicknesses, temptations, and sin? Was my testimony sincere or had I just been saying what I had been told my whole life? Well I am here to say during this time I prayed and I read scriptures and by the power of the Holy Ghost, I know that Jesus Christ did suffer everything for us. There is a prophet here on earth that is guided by Heavenly Father. I do believe the plan of salvation and I know that families can be together for eternity. My testimony is sincere because I know these things are true. And through the experience of losing my brother, my testimony has strengthen even more because I have been able to testify of these things more and every time I do the spirit testifies to me that the things I say are in fact true! Losing my brother has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through, but my faith in Jesus Christ has helped me through it. Its an everyday thing, but as I continue to exercise my faith, my hope grows and I know I will see my brother again! This experience has only been made easier through the Atonement of Christ!

11: And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12: And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

13: Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

Alma 7:11-13

Expressing myself through writing

So about 6 years ago I was just about to sit down on a Sunday evening to watch TV with my mom and dad and I received a phone call from my sister that was out of state. She told me to leave the room where I wasn't around anyone and then told me that our good friend, Joe, died. This was the first time I ever experienced someone I was close to dying. I didn't know how to grieve and I guess for awhile I was in denial about him dying. But once the reality of his death hit and because I didn't know how to handle it, I blamed God for letting it happen. I went off the path of righteousness and I felt very alone and felt like I was in a very dark place. Before this happened I loved writing, but after it happened I stopped.

I went years without writing my true feelings about things. I just realized though that this blog is all about me expressing how I feel and how I am getting through my brother dying.  I am writing again and its helping me grieve. I really hope my blog is helping someone out there, because I know losing someone that is close to you isn't easy, but I do know that we can be healed and made whole again. Because of Jesus Christ we can make it through losing someone, or anything we go through!

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."-Philippians 4:13

My mom and dad tell me that I am really good at expressing myself through writing. That is good because most time I don't feel like I am very good at expressing my feelings when I speak. I love my brother. I always looked up to him. He didn't always make the best decisions, but he did learn from his mistakes even if his actions didn't show that he did. He was always very honest with me. Things that our parents taught us from a very young age, that when he turned 18 he didn't have to listen to, so he thought at the time, but when I was turning 18 he gave me some advice. He told me that its my choice what religion I want in my life and he told me that the things that mom and dad taught us such as the word of wisdom, law of chastity, and other commandments were good things. That they taught them to us to protect us, not to limit our fun. He told me that if he could of changed one thing about the choices he made, he wished he would of followed the things our parents taught us! My brother had faith in Jesus Christ, and so do I! I know Jesus Christ is my savior and I know He lives! I know that he was resureected and has made it possible for all of us to live again. Jesus Christ has made it possible for us to live with Him and God and our families for eternity! The biggest thing that gets me through each day is knowing that my family is sealed for eternity and I will see my brother again!