My brother's grave

Well yesterday was 11 months so I am a day late. I am now home from my mission and today I got to visit my brother's grave for the first time. I know he is in a better place and that I will see him again someday.

Finding the light in your life?

Have you had moments where you feel like you are in a dark tunnel?

 Sometimes I do when I focus on myself and I forget the eternal perspective of life.

 John 8:12 it says

Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

Of course it’s by following Jesus Christ that I will be able to get through the dark tunnel. It’s by looking for the light, looking pass the hard moment, forgetting myself and by recognizing Jesus Christ in my life that I will be able to get through anything.

Losing my brother hasn't been easy, it wasn't something I expected and its hard. Its not easy for me. I can testify though that as it says in John 14:18 

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

I know this is true, because I have felt it time and time again. In the lowest moments if we turn to the Lord and trust in Him, He will comfort us!

I know that families are eternal and I will see my brother again. 

Angels all around!

I know that God sends us angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. They are all around. Through the challenge of losing my brother and many others there has been so many people that has come in my life and has helped me. I am so grateful for them and for the heavenly ones to. The comfort and strength they give me is true happiness.


"And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me." -2 Nephi 4:24

10 months, changes, trials and wonderful things!

I know I haven't wrote anything in awhile, and I am 2 days late for writing on the 10th month mark. Lets just say things have been pretty busy. Changes have occurred, wonderful things have happened, trials have come, and I am learning a lot through all of it.

First of all I changed areas and missionary companion. I moved to Clarksville and somehow was lucky enough to not only get one great companion but 2 great companions. I am now in a trio with Sister Jensen and Sister Escobar. These two sisters are remarkable and I am lucky to have been able to learn so much from them!

Coleen, Michael and Jackie Gervasio made the decision to follow the example of Jesus Christ and were baptized on July 7th. Since the first day I met this family, I just felt a strong love for them. I am definitively grateful for the opportunity to have met them and to help the learn about the Gospel of Jesus Christ while also learning from their wonderful example.

 As you can see I am not in this picture. This is where a trial came for me.

The week leading up to the baptism I started feeling sick. I just figured it was a stomach ache, and just kept going. Well it kept getting worse, and I kept ignoring it until Saturday morning I couldn't take the pain anymore. So I went to see a doctor. Well after all the test was done, I figured out I had a bladder infection, a kidney stone that was stuck causing also my kidney to get a pretty bad infection. So Saturday I go to see the doctor thinking it can't be to bad, they will have it fixed in no time to ending up going to the hospital to get surgery. I ended up being in the hospital for 2 nights. During this time I had quite of bit of time to do some pondering. I am not sure why trials have to happen right when they do, but something I have learned through all of my trials is that they happen and it always turns out to be for the best.

Monday morning, July 9, as I was laying in the hospital I was thinking a lot of my brother. In this moment I was feeling really sick, and it was hard for me to want to stay positive. I didn't want to focus on the eternal perspective, I just wanted to focus on the now. I was missing my brother a lot, wishing he had never died. I wishing that I wasn't sick. I was just feeling like no one knew all that I was feeling. Well, I got a priesthood blessing shortly after this and it reminded me a lot of my testimony, the things I know to be true, and that my Savior knows exactly how I was feeling. That if I would just turn to Him, I would receive the comfort and peace I needed.

How grateful I am for my Savior and all that He has done for me. He lives and has made it possible for us to live again. Through Him we can get through anything! I am grateful that the spirit testifies to me over and over that I will see my brother again! I know families are for eternity!

Flashback

A very close friend of  Sister Nordstrom's, died Wednesday night. Everytime someone I know and love so much goes through the experience of losing someone they loved so much, always makes me think of my brother and my experience of finding out about him dying. My companion first words were "Its not real" over and over. Which was what I said over and over. And 9 months later, sometimes I still feel its not real. That my brother is still alive. I want to say something to comfort Sister Nordstrom, but I know that in the moment its just so hard to even comprehend. I remember people telling me over and over that it will be okay and everything will be fine. In the moment though I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to believe it was true. I am grateful though for the Spirit of the Lord and helping me through it all. In the process of it all though we can know that God is in it all and from these experience we can really learn and grow. I miss my brother a lot, but I can say that I know I will see him again and that through him dying I have grown so much spiritually. I feel him in my life, he is there by my side. 

I know that Jesus Christ lives and has made it possible for us to all live again! That this life isn't the end. I know families are for eternity!

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. -

John 14:18

For after much tribulation come the blessings!

For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand. Doctrine and Covenants 58:4

Because of the blessings of the temple, I know that families are and can be together for eternity! I am so grateful for that because it helps me everyday to know that I will see my brother again!

My relationship strengthened!

As I am obedient to God's commandments I feel my relationship strengthen with my brother. I know I will see him again, as long as I do my part in following Jesus Christ's example and keep my covenants I have made with my Heavenly Father I know my family will be together for eternity!

Choose to win the fight!

Don't let Satan win by reacting to adversity his way. Instead, ACT and follow Jesus Christ and you will experience the happiness that comes from living the Gospel of Jesus Christ! When I found out about my brother dying, I almost gave up and let Satan win, but I didn't and I won't. There has been days, and will be more days, that Satan will try, but as I pray to my Heavenly Father, He gives me the strength to resist Satan, to not get discourage because of my trials and to learn and grow through all my experiences! I know that God is our loving Heavenly Father and that Jesus Christ is our Savior! I know Jesus Christ lives and that He has made it possible for us to live again! I know that families are for eternity! I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ!

By my side

Since the day I saw this I wanted it and a friend sent it to me the other day! Even though my brother is gone physically, he is still by my side. I am so grateful for my parents teaching us since we were little that family is important. Because of that I was able to develop a good relationship with him, even though he is 10 years older than me. I love my brother and I miss him, but I know that he is by my side and giving me strength and motivation to follow Jesus Christ and always make good choices so that I can live with my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and my family for eternity!

Things happen according to God's will

Why are our loved ones taken off this earth leaving behind so many to feel such sorrow from it? When my brother died, he was 31 years old, he still had many years to live. I still have many years to live and many events, such as getting married, having children, and many other big events that I felt like he should be there for physically. I thought it unfair that God would take away my brother at a young age, when there was so many more things he needed to be here for. For awhile I let these feelings build up and it just caused me to be more angry. After time I realized that I needed to change something and I did. I expressed my sadness, angry and all my feelings to God. I let Jesus Christ heal me from the death of my brother.
Recently I have heard so many express feelings of losing a loved one and the unfairness of it. The not understanding why is hard, but something that I have learned is that no one is taken off this earth before there time.

In the Book of Mormon Chapter 14 Alma and Amulek had to watch many people that believed in the word of God be burned to death. Amulek wanted to save them and He asked Alma if they could save them?
Alma 14:11-13
11 But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day.
 12 Now Amulek said unto Alma: Behold, perhaps they will burn us also.
 13 And Alma said: Be it according to the will of the Lord. But, behold, our work is not finished; therefore they burn us not.

After reading this chapter the spirit confirmed to me that no one is taken off this earth before their time, its only God's will when someone dies and return back to Him. God is in control and if it wasn't the time for my brother to go, he would still be here. When it gets hard and I miss my brother, I just remember that things happen according to God's will. I know that when bad things happen it hard not to be mad, but I know as we express our feelings to our Heavenly Father we will feel the love He has for us!

Hope

Yesterday I had the opportunity to talk to another sister missionary that very recently lost her younger brother. As I talked to her I came to a realization. We both find it hard dealing with the fact that our brothers have passed away. Most people I find that have lost a family member have a hard time with it. There is a difference between my friend and I and a lot of other people. Let me try to explain. I have moments that are hard and I become sad. Most of the time though I do pretty well because of the knowledge I have. I know I will see my brother again. I know what happens after we die. I know that God has a plan for us.  I have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and because I live the Gospel of Jesus Christ I have found happiness amongst the hard times. I have hope because I know through Jesus Christ I will be able to see my brother again. Now I have found a lot of people that don't have the hope I do and that is why I am serving a full-time mission so that I can spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ with all. So that everyone can find the happiness and joy I have.

Happy Birthday Mom

Well, today is 8 months since my brother has passed away. And I didn't want to let that get me down, so I asked for a priesthood blessing of comfort. Which was awesome. The spirit was very strong and I am so grateful for worthy priesthood holders that are in my life. One of the hardest thing for me is when I focus on the big events in my life that my brother won't be there physically. Well the thing that stood out the most was when my blessing said that my brother will be there at all of those events. I am so grateful for priesthood blessings and the comfort it brings to me and the strength they give me to go on and serve the Lord. Well today is also my mom's birthday, so I don't want to focus so much on the lost of my brother, but on my mom. I want to focus on the things my mom have taught me.

"..they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them." -Alma 56:47

My mom has been a great example to me. By her example I have learned to be steadfast in my faith even during hard times. The day I left Alaska on my mission, my mom gave me an article and at the end she wrote down her testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. She expressed her love to me and told me how proud she was of me. Every time I have had a hard time, my mom has always been there to listen to me and give me encouraging words. I know that as I have faith and do the right thing as my mom has taught me, all things will work out. I love my mom very much and I am so grateful for her! 

To help others

Some people have asked me why I have given up all I have given up for 18 months to serve a mission? Well before I left on my mission the reason I decided to serve one was because through the promptings of the Spirit, I knew God wanted me to serve a mission. I will admit I didn't necessarily want to, but since I knew God wanted me to know, I made the decision to because of the love I have for God and Jesus Christ. 

After my brother died, so many people asked why I didn't go home to be there for my family and for the funeral. Well the decision wasn't an easy one. I prayed and asked God what He wanted me to do, and received the answer to stay. Even after receiving the answer though it was still really hard to not go home. 

Lets just say when it rains it pours! 

At the time, I was scheduled to get surgery not even a week after my brother died, why shouldn't I just go home. I was very discouraged, and couldn't understand why I had to go through so many things at once. I wasn't sure why God wanted me to stay. Things didn't seem to get any easier for quite awhile, at points I felt like it was pointless for me to stay on a mission.

Over time I am beginning to understand why to all of what I went through. That it wasn't just to make me miserable but to help me learn and grow so that I might be able to help others.

“And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some.” -Alma 26:30

Since my brothers death, I have been able to help others have the hope of seeing loved ones again. I have been able to help them have the hope that comes from the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I have helped people learn how to have a personal relationship with their Savior. The many afflictions I went through were because God knew they would help me be able to help others. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father and my Savior and allowing me to learn and grow so much. I am grateful for the strength they have given me to go through these afflictions and to help others. 

Enabling Power of the Atonement of Christ

As I was reading an article I come across this quote:

“We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and hardships, health and sickness, successes and disappointments. We knew also that after a period of life we would die.” -President Spencer W. Kimball 

Did I really agree to go through the trial of losing my brother? Yes, I did. And in the moments I think I didn't I remind myself of the choice I made to follow God's plan to come here to earth and go through things that will test my faith, cause me sorrow but also things that will bring me joy and strengthen my faith.

Has this trial of losing my brother tested my faith or caused me sorrow? Yes, quite a bit.

Has it brought me joy? Yes, because as I remember the good memories I had with him, and that I will see him again it brings joy to my heart.

Has it strengthened my faith? Yes, in fact it has.

How, well the answer is through the enabling power of the Atonement of Christ. Now what exactly is that? "The enabling power of the Atonement of Christ strengthens us to do things we could never do on our own." Can I just say how much I have learned that I need to depend upon the enabling power of the Atonement daily. Usually my harder days come because I stop relying on the Atonement and try to use my own strength. 

"As you and I come to understand and employ the enabling power of the Atonement in our personal lives, we will pray and seek for strength to change our circumstances rather than praying for our circumstances to be changed. We will become agents who "act" rather than objects that are "acted upon" (2 Nephi 2:14). -President Bednar

I've heard some people say time heals all wounds. I don't know if thats true or not, but I do know that we can have strength from the Lord as we humble ourselves and pray diligently for strength instead of a change in our circumstances. I know that the enabling power of the Atonement will give us the strength to endure to the end and return back to live with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and our families.

I do believe that the bad days I still have, when I wish my brother would of never died, and I just want to give up that those days in time will be come less and less as I learn to depend upon the enabling power of the Atonement daily.

36 Years of Happiness



"And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."-Matthew 16:19



36 years ago today, my mom and dad were married in the Manti, Utah temple for time and ALL ETERNITY. They were sealed together as husband and wife for the time here on earth, but also for eternity.

I am so grateful for that my parents made the decision 36 years ago to marry in God's temple and be sealed for eternity so that our family can be together for eternity. The knowledge of being sealed as a family for eternity is what brings me comfort in knowing we all will be together with my brother again. I love my parents very much, and I am very grateful for their example of following Jesus Christ in all that they do.

I love my family!

Enabling Power of the Atonement

The other day in a missionary meeting we sang a song called Lord, I would follow thee. There was one particular phrase that stood out to me.

  "Finding strength beyond my own." 

I couldn't help but think about my brother and the strength I have to deal with his death. Lets go back to the beginning. At first I think I was just on an adrenaline rush and I couldn't sit still because the moment I did I would think about it. There was a point about a month after it happened that I started struggling with it. During a period of about 3 months I tried to go through it on my own, so in some ways I turned away from God and I didn't find that strength. I wanted it to just go away, I didn't know why it had to happen to me and I didn't think it was fair. If I did pray, I prayed for my struggles to just go away, for it to not really be true. It didn't work. It wasn't until someone confronted me and called me out on my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that I realized that they didn't leave me, but I left them.

I started changing what I was doing, so that I could feel God and Jesus Christ back in my life. My prayers changed, they were more sincere and I realized that just because my brother died and everything else that was going on, didn't mean God didn't love me. In fact it showed God's love for me. He knew I could handle it and that I would learn a lot from these challenges. And this is what I learned.

"O Lord, my heart is exceedingly sorrowful; wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ. O Lord, wilt thou grant unto me that I may have strength, that I may suffer with patience these afflictions which shall come upon me, because of the iniquity of this people." -Alma 31:31

Alma didn't pray for His afflictions to go away, but instead prayed for strength to deal with His afflictions. I started to pray for the strength to go through what I was going through, and miraculously my life changed drastically. As I access the enabling power of the Atonement, my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ starting growing and becoming stronger and stronger. I started feeling happier and feeling the joy that comes from following Christ. There are days that I know I wouldn't make it through without the strength of Christ. 

"..and he also gave them strength, that they should suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ..." -Alma 31:38

I know that we all can experience the enabling power of the Atonement, and receive strength to deal with the afflictions that can help us become the people that our Heavenly Father knows we can be. I encourage all to find strength beyond your own! I can promise as you do, you will feel the enabling power of the Atonement and feel the love that your Heavenly Father and Savior have for you. 

God is in all

"If the body’s capacity for normal function, defense, repair, regulation, and regeneration were to prevail without limit, life here would continue in perpetuity. Yes, we would be stranded here on earth! Mercifully for us, our Creator provided for aging and other processes that would ultimately result in our physical death. Death, like birth, is part of life. Scripture teaches that “it was not expedient that man should be reclaimed from this temporal death, for that would destroy the great plan of happiness.”20 To return to God through the gateway we call death is a joy for those who love Him and are prepared to meet Him.21 Eventually the time will come when each “spirit and … body shall be reunited again in … perfect form; both limb and joint shall be restored to its proper frame,”22 never to be separated again. For these physical gifts, thanks be to God!" - RUSSELL M. NELSON 

The words that stand out to me are "death is a joy." I don't always feel like my brother dying is a joy, but at the times that I am trusting in God, leaning on my Savior, I am comforted by the Holy Ghost to know that my brother is in a much better place. I know I will see my brother again. I can testify that death can be a joy, it all just depends on how we look at it. I know that as we learn of Heavenly Father's plan we can all experience and know the joy that comes from death.

Faith in Jesus Christ

Well I know I haven't wrote anything in awhile, but today is 7 months since my brother has passed away. And since yesterday was Easter, I thought I might say something. Jesus Christ died and he was resurrected. He lives and has made it possible for all of us to live again. Through Jesus Christ we can return back to live with our Heavenly Father and be with our families forever! I know this to be true and it has been a great comfort to me. Through Christ we can be strengthened and make it through anything!

4 month- Trusting in the Lord

Today my email from my mom was things my brother wrote in his journal when he was in 3rd grade. When he was in 3rd grade, I wasn't even born yet. It was cool to be able to read things he has written about the other siblings.  So yeah today is 4 months since my brother has passed away and I miss him a lot. In the last 10 months of my life I have experienced quite a bit of change. I don't really like change, especially drastic change. I struggle with change quite a bit, but I am slowly learning to except it as it comes. My first instinct is to fight it, exactly what I did when I first found out about my brother dying. I didn't want to admit it. Obviously I did admit it and I am dealing with it. I am learning that as I don't fight the change and I just trust in God things are a lot easier, not easy, but easier!                                   

Proverbs 3:5-6

5Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own  understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

I love this scripture and just at this moment I decided I am using this scripture as my motto for awhile. There are so many things I don't understand but I do know that God is aware and that he will guide me and help me through everything. I know that as I turn to Him and trust Him I will be able to get through anything. Right now I miss my brother so much but I am grateful for the rest of my family and how close this has brought us all together! I am grateful to know I will be able to see my brother again. Really I just have to stay strong, even though it hard. Jesus Christ knows exactly how I am feeling and he will comfort me if I turn to him. Its our choice to let Christ help us or not help us. I know for me I am stubborn and I always want to just deal with it myself and not ask for help, but when I don't ask for help things are a lot harder for me. So here goes to putting in a conscious effort into trusting in the LORD!!

Defining Moments

Well today is my birthday. I won't hear anything from my brother, but that's okay because I know he loves me and is closer than I realize!

When I first found out that my brother died, I really thought it was the end! I didn't feel like I could go on. I felt like I was riding a emotional roller coster.

As I did a lot of studying the scriptures and praying to my Heavenly Father I knew it wasn't the end. It was just a bend on the path to eternal life. The experiences I am going through from dealing with the lose of my brother has helped me in more ways than I ever thought it would.

His death was a defining moment in my life. After it happened, my faith, the things I grew up being taught, what I beleived about everything was tested. Being a missionary I teach people what I believe, but in this moment I had to know without a doubt the things I was teaching others were true. Did I actually believe in the plan of salvation? Eternal families? That there was a prophet on earth guided by Heavenly Father? Did Jesus Christ really suffer for all of our pains, afflictions, sicknesses, temptations, and sin? Was my testimony sincere or had I just been saying what I had been told my whole life? Well I am here to say during this time I prayed and I read scriptures and by the power of the Holy Ghost, I know that Jesus Christ did suffer everything for us. There is a prophet here on earth that is guided by Heavenly Father. I do believe the plan of salvation and I know that families can be together for eternity. My testimony is sincere because I know these things are true. And through the experience of losing my brother, my testimony has strengthen even more because I have been able to testify of these things more and every time I do the spirit testifies to me that the things I say are in fact true! Losing my brother has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through, but my faith in Jesus Christ has helped me through it. Its an everyday thing, but as I continue to exercise my faith, my hope grows and I know I will see my brother again! This experience has only been made easier through the Atonement of Christ!

11: And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12: And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

13: Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

Alma 7:11-13

Expressing myself through writing

So about 6 years ago I was just about to sit down on a Sunday evening to watch TV with my mom and dad and I received a phone call from my sister that was out of state. She told me to leave the room where I wasn't around anyone and then told me that our good friend, Joe, died. This was the first time I ever experienced someone I was close to dying. I didn't know how to grieve and I guess for awhile I was in denial about him dying. But once the reality of his death hit and because I didn't know how to handle it, I blamed God for letting it happen. I went off the path of righteousness and I felt very alone and felt like I was in a very dark place. Before this happened I loved writing, but after it happened I stopped.

I went years without writing my true feelings about things. I just realized though that this blog is all about me expressing how I feel and how I am getting through my brother dying.  I am writing again and its helping me grieve. I really hope my blog is helping someone out there, because I know losing someone that is close to you isn't easy, but I do know that we can be healed and made whole again. Because of Jesus Christ we can make it through losing someone, or anything we go through!

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."-Philippians 4:13

My mom and dad tell me that I am really good at expressing myself through writing. That is good because most time I don't feel like I am very good at expressing my feelings when I speak. I love my brother. I always looked up to him. He didn't always make the best decisions, but he did learn from his mistakes even if his actions didn't show that he did. He was always very honest with me. Things that our parents taught us from a very young age, that when he turned 18 he didn't have to listen to, so he thought at the time, but when I was turning 18 he gave me some advice. He told me that its my choice what religion I want in my life and he told me that the things that mom and dad taught us such as the word of wisdom, law of chastity, and other commandments were good things. That they taught them to us to protect us, not to limit our fun. He told me that if he could of changed one thing about the choices he made, he wished he would of followed the things our parents taught us! My brother had faith in Jesus Christ, and so do I! I know Jesus Christ is my savior and I know He lives! I know that he was resureected and has made it possible for all of us to live again. Jesus Christ has made it possible for us to live with Him and God and our families for eternity! The biggest thing that gets me through each day is knowing that my family is sealed for eternity and I will see my brother again!